Into the wild

Picture this: You have a dream, all you do is that you fantasize it in every fine detail, you think about it every time you drown in your thoughts, every night before you go to sleep, you hope to relive that dream in your sleep and discover it more, you love that dream and you know that you will reach it some day and you will make it real. All of a sudden, you see someone who is living your dream exactly the way that you have built it...exactly the same without missing a tiny little detail, and obviously he is having a blast. How would you feel?

That's how I felt when I saw the movie "Into the wild".

Alaska...yes, Alaska.

I saw a large photo some time ago, it was the tail of whale sticking from water and in the background were (cold) mountains covered with thick green taiga. I don't remember the color composition of the photo clearly, maybe it was black and white, maybe it wasn't, it was all cold colors, a huge tail belonging to the largest mammal on earth sticking out from water and the background, pure nature. The scary thing was-on second thought-that the most of the gigantic monster was still under water thus making it more mysterious and frightening. Below the photo was written: Somewhere (I don't remember the actual location), Alaska. I guess it is a pretty typical picture of there, you'll find thousands of them everywhere but that got into me anyhow. I repeated with myself, Alaska, the mountains, the rivers, the nature, the cold, the silence...wow man, I wanna be there. I have to admit that I have always been very fascinated by the nature in the north America, I don't know why. It's so...I don't know, use all your vocabulary and you're still doing a lousy job. No word can describe it. Look at it, Pine forests in Washington, Rocky mountains, California, the Pacific, Utah, BC, Colorado River, Arizona, the great lakes, Florida, Atlantic coast, I can go on forever not forgetting the pinnacle of all: Grand Canyon. It's all fascinating, all gorgeous. Going there (alone?) and exploring the unknown spots of the maps has always been very mesmerizing to me, it's beyond my writing ability and if you do that, more or less the way that McCandless did, how would you feel?

Chris McCandless was a bright young man, college graduate, very thoughtful and from a well off family. He read a lot and adored guys like Jack London and Tolstoy. It seemed that he had struggles with himself and his surroundings, so he donated all money i.e. his college saving to a charity and set sails to start his "Great Alaskan Adventure". His story is depicted in the book by Jon Krakauer and in the well-made movie by Sean Penn. Here's my review as the movie rolls:

Chapter one: My own birth

Eddie: "There's big
Big hard sun
Beating on the big people
In a big hard world"

Chris: "...absolute freedom, and the road is always led west."

Flood
I never understand this thing, why it happens and how to prevent it. All I know, it does ruin many people's life every year and there are plenty of them to come, where does the flood water go after all? How does it feel to be in the flood, wake up in the morning and see your house literally covered with water? Crazy, unnecessary, annoying, devastating.

Burn all the cash
I like to reach a point in my life where I can easily burn all the cash that I have on me and go forward. Total independence to money.
Chris: "I don't need money, makes people cautious." Nuff said there!

Arizona heat
Cactus, rattle snake, sand, desert, yellow, dry, sun, heat, sun, sun, sun...

Alexander Supertramp is born on July 1990

Pacific trail west, North California
A tribute a late friend, a real outdoor guy who told me that he used to go US every year for camping, hiking, he never forgot the California nature and admired it immensely, May your soul rest in peace EN.

Rainy and Jan
Are two ex-hippies past their prime who are hooked up, live in their trailer and are really friendly. They live off selling books, god know what books these hippies read. Jan misses his son from first marriage very much as she doesn't have any news of his whereabouts and Rainy, Rainy is just cool. Long hair, long mustache, large build, must have been through a lot, wrinkles on the forehead is the proof. What kind of a name is Rainy anyway?

Jan
There is something about Catherine Keener that I like very much, yet I can't specifically pinpoint it.

Chris: "...I know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong, to measure yourself at least once..."

Night at the beach
I can not possibly say how much I miss being at the beach at night, sit by fire and smoke s--t, sleep on the sand and wake up in the early morning by the sunrise and cold, fresh morning breeze, the sound of waves as the background music always there. However, I have to admit that I think the greatness of the sea at night is multiplied by a giant factor, it turn so large that it's scary. Once upon a time I said, "The sea is very respectable, but not trustable."

Chapter 2: Adolescence

Ed: "Gonna rise up
Find my direction magnetically
Gonna rise up
Throw down my ace in the hole"

It must have been a really demanding shaving under those water sprays.

Magic Bus week 3
It reminds me very much when I escaped to my own 'Alaska'. It was cold and dealing with loneliness was something. Waking up in the morning alone in a new environment and fixing everything such as food, heat, water etc. was a challenge and on top of that, commuting back and worth was a real b---h. Funny thing that I was almost at the same age when I escaped, had just graduated, was really sick of it all, had no where to go, had very little money...ah those memories, those damn memories...

Eastern South Dakota and working on the farm
I have never worked at a farm nor I will ever do. However, seeing those farm workers reminded me of the farmers that I had seen at my grandparents' village. Their mindset, those rough hands, the smoked tea, their accent, their smells, their sickles, sheep cheese grilled on fire...man!

Wayne: What's your fascination with all that stuff?
Chris: I'm going to Alaska.
Wayne: Alaska, Alaska? Or city Alaska? Because they do have markets in Alaska. The city of Alaska. Not in Alaska. In the city of Alaska, they have markets.
Chris: No, man. Alaska, Alaska. I'm gonna be all the way out there, all the way f---ing out there. Just on my own. You know, no f---ing watch, no map, no axe, no nothing. No nothing. Just be out there. Just be out there in it. You know, big mountains, rivers, sky, game. Just be out there in it, you know? In the wild.
Wayne: In the wild.
Chris: Just wild!
Wayne: Yeah. What are you doing when we're there? Now you're in the wild, what are we doing?
Chris: You're just living, man. You're just there, in that moment, in that special place and time. Maybe when I get back, I can write a book about my travels.
Wayne: Yeah. Why not?
Chris: You know, about getting out of this sick society. Society!
Wayne: [coughs] Society! Society!
Chris: Society, man! You know, society! Cause, you know what I don't understand? I don't understand why people, why every f---ing person is so bad to each other so f---ing often. It doesn't make sense to me. Judgment. Control. All that, the whole spectrum. Well, it just...
Wayne: What "people" we talking about?
Chris: You know, parents, hypocrites, politicians, pricks.
Wayne: [taps Chris' head] This is a mistake. It's a mistake to get too deep into all that kind of stuff. Alex, you're a hell of a young guy, a hell of a young guy. But I promise you this. You're a young guy! Can't be juggling blood and fire all the time! [laughs]
Source: imdb.com

It seems that realizing the truth about his parents and himself had really traumatized him, the broken bond between father and son had made him escape from all of it. What is this bond? Hard to explain, I have to get back to this later on, one thing is for sure as far as I'm concerned: I have decided, since a long ago, to have these words which I saw in another movie, tattooed on my brain; "ASNF= A Son Never Forgets."

"The fragility of a crystal is not a weakness but a fineness"

LA
He ended up in LA somehow and got so sick that he left immediately, giving up the free shelter and settling down for a short while. I totally relate to that because I almost exactly the same when I went there.

Chapter 3: Manhood
Got beaten up while catching free ride on a train, with every sweetness comes a bitterness.

Magic bus week 7
Ed: " Society, you're a crazy breed
I hope you're not lonely, without me"

Organization is the essential element for the life of human being as well as some animals. And the necessity is the mother of all invention, example? The hand made shower, not so modern but very effective.

"It's OK to waste fries"...I will remember that!

Seems like shooting the moose was the easiest job when it came to hunting. Butchering it and dealing with horrible smell, all the hard work, smoking it ain't no walk in a park. The amount of the disappointment is incomprehensible after this failure and seeing everything go bad ,"one of the greatest tragedies of my life" as he put it.

Chapter 4: Family
Slab city, cool laid back hippie ambiance, trailer park, young girl, 16
"If you want something in life, reach out and grab it"

Magic bus week 9

Ed: "Sure as I am breathing
Sure as I'm sad
I'll keep this wisdom in my flesh
I leave here believing more than I had
This love has got no ceiling"

How did he deal with the constant cold anyway?
How sis he feel when realized that the river with his strong flow wouldn't allow him to cross?
When did he realize that it was time to go back into the society?

Final chapter: Getting of wisdom

"The core of man's spirit comes from new experiences"

The old man gives him some supplies and drives him to a place where he can take off to Alaska. Upon departing, he suggests that he adopts him as he didn't have any child. When he is about to leave him, the old man cries. So painful...

In the last weeks of the adventure, the beast of hunger takes over, he is stranded as he can not cross the river and he mistakenly eats bad plants which makes him really sick. What a shame that one seemingly tiny mistake results in death, and that is somehow the way life is if you think about it. Human lives can turn upside down in a matter of second, we are so unable to control and yet, we'd like to think we are.

I read somewhere that he weighed about 38 kg at the time of death, those last days, hours, minutes most have been...I don't know!

"Happiness only real when shared"

One final note:
Having a brief look at the book gave the impression that the book, as in most cases, far more richer than movie despite the fact that the movie is worth seeing a thousand times. I hopefully get back to this point and reflect after I have read the book completely. However, the amazing soundtrack, that conveys the outdoor message of the movie very well and lifts the film emotionality to a great extent is invaluable, an obvious void in the book that can't be filled.

"What if I were smiling and running into your arms, would you see then what I see now?"

Eddie Vedder: " On bended knee is no way to be free
Lifting up an empty cup, I ask silently
All my destinations will accept the one that's me
So I can breathe...

Circles they grow and they swallow people whole
Half their lives they say goodnight to wives they'll never know
A mind full of questions, and a teacher in my soul
And so it goes...

Don't come closer or I'll have to go
Holding me like gravity are places that pull
If ever there was someone to keep me at home
It would be you...

Everyone I come across, in cages they bought
They think of me and my wandering, but I'm never what they thought
I've got my indignation, but I'm pure in all my thoughts
I'm alive...

Wind in my hair, I feel part of everywhere
Underneath my being is a road that disappeared
Late at night I hear the trees, they're singing with the dead
Overhead...

Leave it to me as I find a way to be
Consider me a satellite, forever orbiting
I knew all the rules, but the rules did not know me
Guaranteed"

Milestone

It has been exactly 1 year since I modestly started here. This first year has been distinctively marked by inconsistency and lack of inspiration to write. Top that with some perfectionist ideology which put the burden of 'creation' rather than easy writing with the flow. However, I have tried to turn the table around in the past 2 months and have made a decent effort to make up for all that shortcomings, there must have been something in the air of Seattle because it sort of came pouring after that visit!

Well the most important thing is I feel extremely pleased with:

a) being here at all and writing; I should have started long ago which I did, I was writing on bits and pieces since I don't know when, but not this public and not this organized and systematic

b) managing to make more than my holy number of 13 people to 'follow' me, it has been quiet on the feedback front though, but that's cool as I regard my only audience to be MYSELF for the time being, which in turn makes me write from the heart

c) getting occasional clicks and hits from various parts the world, always amazing even though it is tiny

d) starting to open my eyes and look for ideas to write about which makes my mind slightly hyperactive and challenges my lazy nature

Like I said, I never thought I am going to like it this much...but I do now and that feels good. I am happy to see I have a bunch of ideas that I still haven't touched yet and I will deal with them in the coming future. I am also thinking of setting quantifiable and realistic goals as well, we'll see how that will work out.

Many thanks to everyone who has contributed so far and will do so by feedback, reading, discussions, challenges, ideas, encouragements, following and etc. A special one to my cousin for his occasional wise words.

Next, I am going to push the limit and see what happens.

Note to myself

Resolution 1. When feeling homesick, avoid seriously listening to "Yadegare Doost - Memories of friend".

To KG

Please read this WITHOUT having the song in your mind. If you can't help it, go at least with the S&M version please.

Words by J. Hetfield and L.Ulrich, my own words in []

"[We are] So close no matter how far [we actually are]
[This] Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

[I've] Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and find in you [this is so true!]
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what "THEY" do
Never care for what they know
But I know

So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters"

Yes, nothing else matters, but the fact still remains that I miss you so much now and it is choking me up...and life goes on...

Impasse

It is very seldom that I feel the way I do now. There are so many things that I want to talk (write) about which could result in several books but at the same time, I don't feel like saying anything.

It's a deadlock.

Amazing thing are you...I hate you, I miss you, I don't want to be close to you and yet, I am always in you, I f--king hate you........NOSTALGIA!

Sex, Nose, Dirty, Joy, Women

This is something I read a while ago, can't remember where or when so my apologies to the author for not giving any reference but anyway, it's about a few curious questions (presumably between a father and son) about an important thing in human's life i.e. sex. I think it is worth reading as some of the analogies are interesting and funny but it doesn't necessarily reflect my personal opinions.

Q: What is sex?
A: Sex is fundamentally a dirty thing, it's like picking your nose. It should be done every now and then (very essential to do since if you don't do it, you go crazy) but you have to be discreet and not perform it in public [very preferable!]...and you shouldn't talk about it much with others [too preserved?] as it is kind of a private matter and you shouldn't definitely be obsessed with picking your nose as it is not healthy.

Q: Why women enjoy sex more than men?
A: Well, when you pick your nose, it's mostly your nose who enjoys it rather than your finger. The finger may enjoy it at times but not as much. It's the nose that gets more of the satisfaction.

Q: Why women can't have sex during their monthly periods?
A: You never pick your nose with your finger when your nose is bleeding, do you?

Q: Why women don't like to be raped?
A: How would you like it if you're walking in the street and some stranger comes forward, rips your clothes and picks your nose by force, ha?

It's a pity I don't remember all the questions.