The essence of parenthood

Father and his five year old daughter are taking a nice promenade with the sunset in the background horizon.

Father: I want you to have a life in which I provide you with anything that your heart wishes.

Daughter: Can I have ice cream?

Father: No!

12

It has been 12 years now since I moved 'out'. Never would have imagined that I will have such a long run. During this course, I have gained many things and lost many things as well and I have been though some.

I guess I will never know if I have made a right move or not, probably not even the time would be able to tell.

It went by just like that...like many other things...like almost everything else.

So strange...so strange...

Sigh!

A decade!

Today marks the tenth year of me leaving "home" for a new home, not that there's anything significant about it. Man, what a ride has it been even though the pace has been remarkably lower in the past couple of years. I suppose it is fair to say that the highlight of the last 'decade' (I like use this word to make it look more grand) top 5 noteworthy happenings, without particular order, can be defined as:

1. First child

2. Marriage

3. Graduation

4. Travels

5. Aging or rather noticing the aging!

Better not to get entangled with nostalgic feelings and in the past, andiamo avanti all the way.

Closing:

"To be yourself is all that you can be..."

- Chris Cornell 

Lesson never learnd

What recently unfolded in Norway reminds us, yet again, that any kind fundamentalism or extremism is doomed to result in catasrophe in which the lives of innocent people is most often lost. And it really doesn't matter what ideology, culture, up-bringing, geographical location or religion you have, the outcome is pure disaster. Unfortunately, this was not the first of its kind and I amvery much afraid that it won't be the last.

Fortune, fame, mirror vain

No one writes to me.

No one reads this.

"No one writes to the Colonel."

And yet, the Colonel checks his mail every day, sometimes twice a day...

Problem located!

Q. Why I don't write as often as I want to?
A. Because I don't read my own blog as much as I read others' blogs.

While I have failed to keep up with resolution 8 on the frequency of blogging, this Q&A calls for yet 2 more resolutions:

Resolution 10: Older posts have to be reviewed at least once a week.
Resolution 11: Posts should not stay in draft status more than a month.

I have to do a massive follow up on the resolutions and do some shake-up since I am way behind...not good, not good at all...consistency is the key goddamit!

Paradox

Every time I feel like writing, I am not here.
Every time I am here, I don't feel like writing.

RE--SPECT!

Resolution 9. It is of utmost importance that one respects the place and the role of the others involved, precisely in the same manner that one requires to be respected. This rule is valid for any game, the most significant one being the game of life.

"So in the end

I want to see some respect

(I said)

You better show some respect

(I said)

Attitude and respect..."

ASNF

Carl Brashear was poor, underprivileged black farmer boy in South and had no future prospect. When he reached the required age, his father made him to join the army so that he can build a better, secure and successful life as he himself didn't obviously make it by sharecropping in the highly segregated and racially biased society of that time. He urged him to leave and never come back to the place that he was born and raised, making sure that his son's past to be forgotten for good. However, as one last token of memory, he gave him a hand made radio that he made using very primitive and basic parts. He carved on the bottom of the radio"ASNF" meaning: "A son never forgets."*

I was forced to make a choice a few days ago; something that some close ones were asking me to do and my heart was against it. In the end, I followed my heart and I think it felt...well, not so bad and that was very sad.

A son will never forget, he will never forget the things that were done for him and damn right will he ever forget the things that were not done for him...never!

ASNF indeed!

* Storyline from the movie "Men of Honor".

Differences of baseball and basketball

The baseball season has started, that is the majors and so on. I kicked off my practice last Tuesday which was surprisingly good in the first part despite the fact that we threw in a sandy parking lot. I ended up inevitably with cramps in almost everywhere but it was OK. All in all, it sure feels good to pick up your glove (which I should 'maintain' with lotion) and play some catch. The bad thing is, due to laziness and bad winter, my throwing skills have not evolved much since last and 'the same issues' remain. Anyway, I thought it would be good occasion to write this post down, which was standing in line for long.

When I first started playing baseball, I was inevitably comparing this new sport with basketball which I had played in many years. The differences, as opposed to what I had written a while ago, while being quite obvious e.g. the game tempo to say the least, are significant. For instance, in baseball, you have different gear for different positions. You have catcher's gear i.e. face mask/helmet, mitt (catcher's gloves), knee and leg guards, chest protector to start with. Then you have different gloves: 1st baseman glove, infielder's glove, pitcher's glove, outfielder's glove and batting gloves. Although one might claim that there are very little or no differences between pitcher and infielder (2nd, SS and 3rd)'s glove, I am sure that there are plenty out there who would argue that. In basketball, there are not much of gears for players. I mean except for shoes - that might differ from position to position, something which I personally don't buy - there are only wrist or headbands which any player can use if they wish to, but it's not necessary. In baseball, you may also need additional gear to be able to perform better or maintain your equipments, things like gloves lotions, tar for batting, glove mate (to protect you palms), sunglasses, cups and batting helmets (very important protection gear), sliding shorts and etc. In basketball, gears of such nature, if existing, don't have much of a significance.

Some other differences in terminology:

Baseball: uniforms, Basketball: jersey and shorts
Baseball: cleat, Basketball: sneakers
Baseball: umpire, Basketball: referees
Baseball: dugout, Basketball: bench
Baseball: manager, Basketball: head coach
Baseball: field, Basketball: court

This is what I have off the top of my head for the time being. I probably had more differences in mind when I first thought of this but it's gone now, maybe I come back to it later, we'll see...

Violet* syndrome

Definition

Violet syndrome is a syndrome that almost all of us are suffering from. By us, I mean everyone who is born in the country (boundary) with 'abundance of jewels' aka "marz-e por gohar". The severity of this syndrome varies for different individuals but if you, for some reason, decide or even are forced to reside outside that 'boundary', you are having, beyond reasonable doubt, a moderate to very tense case of this syndrome as this syndrome is activated as soon as one leaves or is about to leave the boundary. This syndrome, however not life threatening in most cases, may not bother you on daily basis, but it does come to surface every now and then and does its subsequent damage to your mental health to say the least.

Diagnosis and symptoms

The most significant symptom of this syndrome is the limitation and the restraints that it applies to your traveling freedom. This means that every time you want to travel outside that 'boundary' or to any given country - and this covers almost every destination on this planet with one or two exceptions - you are forced to go through a certain process called visa application process. There are many confirmed cases of people with this syndrome who have expressed pain and anguish (to different degrees), physical and mental distress, unnecessary loss of time and money, humiliation, discrimination and etc. while going through the latter process solely due to this syndrome. In some severe cases, the effect of this syndrome extends beyond traveling matters as it may reduce your employment or study opportunities and subject your future plans and progress to unpleasant halts. In diagnostics of this syndrome, I must add that the severity of it depends on the fact that how much one is bothered by these limitations or how many times one faces situations where such syndrome is the cause of major obstacles.

Causes

As mentioned before, this syndrome is caused by the fact that you are born within that boundary and therefore, are entitled to own a beautifully brown colored passport - i.e. the distinct sign of the syndrome - with the seal of 'that government'. The uncanny intelligence that the leaders of that government have used consistently throughout the years has caused the country to grow an amicable and mutually respected political relationship with most of the countries in the world and this has led to irrational and unnecessary suffering of many of our fellow citizens.

Prognosis

Unfortunately, there is not much that you can do to avoid or prevent getting this syndrome. Your parents, if they plan in advance and foresee such thing, most probably due the fact that they had to experience it, can prevent it for their future child. However, depending on your country of residence, after many efforts and going through many bureaucratic operations, you may be able to find a cure for this and remove the harmful effects of this syndrome to a great extent.


* I chose the name 'Violet' for this syndrome since a good friend of ours - with the same name - had a severe case of it.

Snow

Well, here it is. The very first heavy snow of the year has landed and I don't like it a bit. You see, I am not like the rest of people around who are excited with snow and skiing and stuff. I can't care less for the Christmas mood. Winter is definitely not my favorite season, I like spring much better. All I think about now is the slippery roads and consequent ice everywhere in a matter of days, falling down and breaking your body parts (stupid!) and above all, the dirty slush that will be there for months staring at you and mocking your dislike of the season. Hell, allow me to freely state that I genuinely disgust it.

Postulate 1. Where the hell is global warming? Cuz, sure as hell, I don't see it around here!

Postulate 2. It never snows in Florida.

How to kill a normal to medium range hangover

1. Eat a moderate breakfast: 1-2 cups of semi-sweet coffee/tea, 1-2 toast bread with cheese/jam/Nutella, fresh fruits etc. Don't over eat!

2. After 20-30 minutes, take 2 Advil liqui-gel pills with milk or juice

3. Wait for about 2-3 hours, lay down and watch something preferably unimportant, avoid reading if possible, listen to some relaxing music e.g. Playlist 4.

4. Eat a moderate lunch. Avoid greasy, heavy food

5. Continue to rest for about 1-2 hours, take a nap or something, don't oversleep as it may ruin your whole day

6. Have some juice and cookies and then head to the gym

7. Run on the treadmill for max. 40 minutes (which includes 2 five minutes of warm-up and cool down) at the speed that suits you best, avoid running very fast. Alternatively you can hit the stationary cycles but follow the same scheme

8. Work out lightly at the gym for about 30 minutes, avoid heavy weights and intensity, drink a lot of water during the work out

9. Take a shower, you're good as new!

Missed his blog

There was (and still is) a mullah who used to be some kind of deputy vice-president...not very long ago. He was quite liberal and an open-minded reformist. He was possibly the first of his peers who entered the world of blogging and modern(!) IT era. He put up a site(or blog?) and started writing, blogging, whatever. I think I had seen that site, it was not too bad and quite interesting especially for those who knew him and his surroundings and the related events. In the aftermath of the recent unrest, he got arrested by the same regime which he was a representing and defending while ago (ironically!) and was sent to prison and was later put on trial and etc. I read somewhere, that he was granted very limited access to internet and managed to post something on his blog or maybe started to write memoirs or so, I don't remember exactly. Anyway, (here's the punch line) he said that in the midst of his interrogation, he suddenly thought of his site/blog and he missed it big time which I found that very cute!

I'd like to reach a point (not by being imprisoned or anything obviously) that I feel that I miss my blog so much. Right now, I don't miss it particularly much. I mean I like it very much but I don't miss it. There is something about this feeling that makes things very dearer. I guess human beings start to realize the real value of things as soon as they lose them, suck!

5 years

Thèse

Sometimes, I feel like that I am 5 years behind. I mean I should have been in this position in life for about 5 years ago, that is the social status, the family, the job, the belongings, the mind set, the money, the experience, everything should have been reached a while ago. While I must emphasize on the fact that I have been very lucky to have achieved almost everything that I aimed for, I just can't help wondering what it would been like if I was in the same spot as I am now only 5 years younger.

Anti-thèse

What is 5 years? It's nothing!

Synthèse

Well, it's not like that I do have a choice and can change things around, it's just a mind tickling that I get every now and then.

Ode to Kli-pache

O' you Kli-pache
You blow my mind!

You look so grotesque
And yet I never get tired of staring at you...ever!

You are the definition of beauty at the peak of hideousness
Or the other way around

You smell so bad
And yet I enjoy being beside you beyond imagination
I want to spend the rest of my life with you

You have so many mysteries, so many dark and bright facets
And I don't want to explore any of them like Columbus
I just want to absorb you as a whole
Slowly and fast
With endless greed
And by doing so
Literally see my veins clogging of Cholesterol
Oh damn you Cholesterol!

O' Kli-pache
You simply blow my mind
So bad!

Freedom of what not

Resolution 4. Human beings are born free and shall live freely. They are free to READ, SAY and THINK exactly the way they please. No one has the right to force them to do so otherwise.

Same context exists in the articles of Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

Into the wild

Picture this: You have a dream, all you do is that you fantasize it in every fine detail, you think about it every time you drown in your thoughts, every night before you go to sleep, you hope to relive that dream in your sleep and discover it more, you love that dream and you know that you will reach it some day and you will make it real. All of a sudden, you see someone who is living your dream exactly the way that you have built it...exactly the same without missing a tiny little detail, and obviously he is having a blast. How would you feel?

That's how I felt when I saw the movie "Into the wild".

Alaska...yes, Alaska.

I saw a large photo some time ago, it was the tail of whale sticking from water and in the background were (cold) mountains covered with thick green taiga. I don't remember the color composition of the photo clearly, maybe it was black and white, maybe it wasn't, it was all cold colors, a huge tail belonging to the largest mammal on earth sticking out from water and the background, pure nature. The scary thing was-on second thought-that the most of the gigantic monster was still under water thus making it more mysterious and frightening. Below the photo was written: Somewhere (I don't remember the actual location), Alaska. I guess it is a pretty typical picture of there, you'll find thousands of them everywhere but that got into me anyhow. I repeated with myself, Alaska, the mountains, the rivers, the nature, the cold, the silence...wow man, I wanna be there. I have to admit that I have always been very fascinated by the nature in the north America, I don't know why. It's so...I don't know, use all your vocabulary and you're still doing a lousy job. No word can describe it. Look at it, Pine forests in Washington, Rocky mountains, California, the Pacific, Utah, BC, Colorado River, Arizona, the great lakes, Florida, Atlantic coast, I can go on forever not forgetting the pinnacle of all: Grand Canyon. It's all fascinating, all gorgeous. Going there (alone?) and exploring the unknown spots of the maps has always been very mesmerizing to me, it's beyond my writing ability and if you do that, more or less the way that McCandless did, how would you feel?

Chris McCandless was a bright young man, college graduate, very thoughtful and from a well off family. He read a lot and adored guys like Jack London and Tolstoy. It seemed that he had struggles with himself and his surroundings, so he donated all money i.e. his college saving to a charity and set sails to start his "Great Alaskan Adventure". His story is depicted in the book by Jon Krakauer and in the well-made movie by Sean Penn. Here's my review as the movie rolls:

Chapter one: My own birth

Eddie: "There's big
Big hard sun
Beating on the big people
In a big hard world"

Chris: "...absolute freedom, and the road is always led west."

Flood
I never understand this thing, why it happens and how to prevent it. All I know, it does ruin many people's life every year and there are plenty of them to come, where does the flood water go after all? How does it feel to be in the flood, wake up in the morning and see your house literally covered with water? Crazy, unnecessary, annoying, devastating.

Burn all the cash
I like to reach a point in my life where I can easily burn all the cash that I have on me and go forward. Total independence to money.
Chris: "I don't need money, makes people cautious." Nuff said there!

Arizona heat
Cactus, rattle snake, sand, desert, yellow, dry, sun, heat, sun, sun, sun...

Alexander Supertramp is born on July 1990

Pacific trail west, North California
A tribute a late friend, a real outdoor guy who told me that he used to go US every year for camping, hiking, he never forgot the California nature and admired it immensely, May your soul rest in peace EN.

Rainy and Jan
Are two ex-hippies past their prime who are hooked up, live in their trailer and are really friendly. They live off selling books, god know what books these hippies read. Jan misses his son from first marriage very much as she doesn't have any news of his whereabouts and Rainy, Rainy is just cool. Long hair, long mustache, large build, must have been through a lot, wrinkles on the forehead is the proof. What kind of a name is Rainy anyway?

Jan
There is something about Catherine Keener that I like very much, yet I can't specifically pinpoint it.

Chris: "...I know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong, to measure yourself at least once..."

Night at the beach
I can not possibly say how much I miss being at the beach at night, sit by fire and smoke s--t, sleep on the sand and wake up in the early morning by the sunrise and cold, fresh morning breeze, the sound of waves as the background music always there. However, I have to admit that I think the greatness of the sea at night is multiplied by a giant factor, it turn so large that it's scary. Once upon a time I said, "The sea is very respectable, but not trustable."

Chapter 2: Adolescence

Ed: "Gonna rise up
Find my direction magnetically
Gonna rise up
Throw down my ace in the hole"

It must have been a really demanding shaving under those water sprays.

Magic Bus week 3
It reminds me very much when I escaped to my own 'Alaska'. It was cold and dealing with loneliness was something. Waking up in the morning alone in a new environment and fixing everything such as food, heat, water etc. was a challenge and on top of that, commuting back and worth was a real b---h. Funny thing that I was almost at the same age when I escaped, had just graduated, was really sick of it all, had no where to go, had very little money...ah those memories, those damn memories...

Eastern South Dakota and working on the farm
I have never worked at a farm nor I will ever do. However, seeing those farm workers reminded me of the farmers that I had seen at my grandparents' village. Their mindset, those rough hands, the smoked tea, their accent, their smells, their sickles, sheep cheese grilled on fire...man!

Wayne: What's your fascination with all that stuff?
Chris: I'm going to Alaska.
Wayne: Alaska, Alaska? Or city Alaska? Because they do have markets in Alaska. The city of Alaska. Not in Alaska. In the city of Alaska, they have markets.
Chris: No, man. Alaska, Alaska. I'm gonna be all the way out there, all the way f---ing out there. Just on my own. You know, no f---ing watch, no map, no axe, no nothing. No nothing. Just be out there. Just be out there in it. You know, big mountains, rivers, sky, game. Just be out there in it, you know? In the wild.
Wayne: In the wild.
Chris: Just wild!
Wayne: Yeah. What are you doing when we're there? Now you're in the wild, what are we doing?
Chris: You're just living, man. You're just there, in that moment, in that special place and time. Maybe when I get back, I can write a book about my travels.
Wayne: Yeah. Why not?
Chris: You know, about getting out of this sick society. Society!
Wayne: [coughs] Society! Society!
Chris: Society, man! You know, society! Cause, you know what I don't understand? I don't understand why people, why every f---ing person is so bad to each other so f---ing often. It doesn't make sense to me. Judgment. Control. All that, the whole spectrum. Well, it just...
Wayne: What "people" we talking about?
Chris: You know, parents, hypocrites, politicians, pricks.
Wayne: [taps Chris' head] This is a mistake. It's a mistake to get too deep into all that kind of stuff. Alex, you're a hell of a young guy, a hell of a young guy. But I promise you this. You're a young guy! Can't be juggling blood and fire all the time! [laughs]
Source: imdb.com

It seems that realizing the truth about his parents and himself had really traumatized him, the broken bond between father and son had made him escape from all of it. What is this bond? Hard to explain, I have to get back to this later on, one thing is for sure as far as I'm concerned: I have decided, since a long ago, to have these words which I saw in another movie, tattooed on my brain; "ASNF= A Son Never Forgets."

"The fragility of a crystal is not a weakness but a fineness"

LA
He ended up in LA somehow and got so sick that he left immediately, giving up the free shelter and settling down for a short while. I totally relate to that because I almost exactly the same when I went there.

Chapter 3: Manhood
Got beaten up while catching free ride on a train, with every sweetness comes a bitterness.

Magic bus week 7
Ed: " Society, you're a crazy breed
I hope you're not lonely, without me"

Organization is the essential element for the life of human being as well as some animals. And the necessity is the mother of all invention, example? The hand made shower, not so modern but very effective.

"It's OK to waste fries"...I will remember that!

Seems like shooting the moose was the easiest job when it came to hunting. Butchering it and dealing with horrible smell, all the hard work, smoking it ain't no walk in a park. The amount of the disappointment is incomprehensible after this failure and seeing everything go bad ,"one of the greatest tragedies of my life" as he put it.

Chapter 4: Family
Slab city, cool laid back hippie ambiance, trailer park, young girl, 16
"If you want something in life, reach out and grab it"

Magic bus week 9

Ed: "Sure as I am breathing
Sure as I'm sad
I'll keep this wisdom in my flesh
I leave here believing more than I had
This love has got no ceiling"

How did he deal with the constant cold anyway?
How sis he feel when realized that the river with his strong flow wouldn't allow him to cross?
When did he realize that it was time to go back into the society?

Final chapter: Getting of wisdom

"The core of man's spirit comes from new experiences"

The old man gives him some supplies and drives him to a place where he can take off to Alaska. Upon departing, he suggests that he adopts him as he didn't have any child. When he is about to leave him, the old man cries. So painful...

In the last weeks of the adventure, the beast of hunger takes over, he is stranded as he can not cross the river and he mistakenly eats bad plants which makes him really sick. What a shame that one seemingly tiny mistake results in death, and that is somehow the way life is if you think about it. Human lives can turn upside down in a matter of second, we are so unable to control and yet, we'd like to think we are.

I read somewhere that he weighed about 38 kg at the time of death, those last days, hours, minutes most have been...I don't know!

"Happiness only real when shared"

One final note:
Having a brief look at the book gave the impression that the book, as in most cases, far more richer than movie despite the fact that the movie is worth seeing a thousand times. I hopefully get back to this point and reflect after I have read the book completely. However, the amazing soundtrack, that conveys the outdoor message of the movie very well and lifts the film emotionality to a great extent is invaluable, an obvious void in the book that can't be filled.

"What if I were smiling and running into your arms, would you see then what I see now?"

Eddie Vedder: " On bended knee is no way to be free
Lifting up an empty cup, I ask silently
All my destinations will accept the one that's me
So I can breathe...

Circles they grow and they swallow people whole
Half their lives they say goodnight to wives they'll never know
A mind full of questions, and a teacher in my soul
And so it goes...

Don't come closer or I'll have to go
Holding me like gravity are places that pull
If ever there was someone to keep me at home
It would be you...

Everyone I come across, in cages they bought
They think of me and my wandering, but I'm never what they thought
I've got my indignation, but I'm pure in all my thoughts
I'm alive...

Wind in my hair, I feel part of everywhere
Underneath my being is a road that disappeared
Late at night I hear the trees, they're singing with the dead
Overhead...

Leave it to me as I find a way to be
Consider me a satellite, forever orbiting
I knew all the rules, but the rules did not know me
Guaranteed"

Milestone

It has been exactly 1 year since I modestly started here. This first year has been distinctively marked by inconsistency and lack of inspiration to write. Top that with some perfectionist ideology which put the burden of 'creation' rather than easy writing with the flow. However, I have tried to turn the table around in the past 2 months and have made a decent effort to make up for all that shortcomings, there must have been something in the air of Seattle because it sort of came pouring after that visit!

Well the most important thing is I feel extremely pleased with:

a) being here at all and writing; I should have started long ago which I did, I was writing on bits and pieces since I don't know when, but not this public and not this organized and systematic

b) managing to make more than my holy number of 13 people to 'follow' me, it has been quiet on the feedback front though, but that's cool as I regard my only audience to be MYSELF for the time being, which in turn makes me write from the heart

c) getting occasional clicks and hits from various parts the world, always amazing even though it is tiny

d) starting to open my eyes and look for ideas to write about which makes my mind slightly hyperactive and challenges my lazy nature

Like I said, I never thought I am going to like it this much...but I do now and that feels good. I am happy to see I have a bunch of ideas that I still haven't touched yet and I will deal with them in the coming future. I am also thinking of setting quantifiable and realistic goals as well, we'll see how that will work out.

Many thanks to everyone who has contributed so far and will do so by feedback, reading, discussions, challenges, ideas, encouragements, following and etc. A special one to my cousin for his occasional wise words.

Next, I am going to push the limit and see what happens.

Impasse

It is very seldom that I feel the way I do now. There are so many things that I want to talk (write) about which could result in several books but at the same time, I don't feel like saying anything.

It's a deadlock.

Amazing thing are you...I hate you, I miss you, I don't want to be close to you and yet, I am always in you, I f--king hate you........NOSTALGIA!