This...this damnest thing...

If only I could shake this bloody thing...

If only...

"Where do I take this pain of mine
I run but it stays right by my side"

KG is saying now:

"I think there's something you should know
I think it's time I told you so
There's something deep inside of me
There's someone else I've got to be
Take back your picture in a frame
Take back your singing in the rain
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes do not make the man

All we have to do now
Is take these lies and make them true somehow
All we have to see
Is that I don't belong to you
And you don't belong to me
Yeah yeah!

Freedom...Freedom...Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take

Freedom...Freedom...Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take..."

Like Jesus said

"My God
 My God

Why have you forsaken me?"

- Matthew 27:46

2 more practices and the season is over

Another season is about to end and I am yet to play a full game. This year I was ready to have a push for my summit and to some sense, I was feeling that I was in mental and physical shape to do so and I thought with the help of the new coach would was not to play this year and me not going to work due to parental leave, I would be able to fix 'the issues' but I ended up playing the least ever due to the fact that the idiot that is running our team (who is actually a guy that I like in certain aspects) and one important individual in the back office had little faith in me. The real reason behind this is unclear for me as I busted my ass off at practice sessions but I suppose my biggest shortcomig was just when it was the right time to convince them otherwise, I lacked consistency and I failed. I got very pissed when I was denied a shot at the game and I tried to talk things over at an early stage to avoid a disaster from unfolding but at the end, that totally backfired. Like I said, despite feeling that my throwing and my fielding had improved, at least compared to last year, the mental burden and frustration went beyond my capacity and obviously, it had an adverse effect on my game and what not. It was a tough season for me personally and I was driven to quiting the whole damn thing on several points (and a number of my apparel failed or started to fail as well!) and the ironic thing is that I did enjoyed several productive and tiring practice sessions and I literally played nothing this year. I have never missed 'my very own fantasy baseball team' so bad that I did this year...or at least my closest buddies who I could have a word or two over a drink or something, man I am so far and I miss my people!

On a seperate and sort of relevant note, I had the chance of playing at the national arena tomorrow in a stress-free and the-result-doesn't-matter game since our home game was cancelled last Saturday due to rain. I think I would have enjoyed taking on that field but unfortunately I can not since I have to stay home with the kid...deepest sigh! And then I will miss a doubleheader some 600 Km away since I will be away to on a reunion, not that it matters.

Courchevel

The love of the mountains and the thirst for feeling the raw and unfiltered speed were sufficiently quenched by one week of staying at propbably the largest ski resort in the world. The picture below does the justice to the beauty and the greatness of the 'matter' at hand more a thousand words.

Photo courtesy of AB.

One of the many subjects that the company of ours touched during this trip was the reason why we are so passionate about mountains. Answer (according to me): Because they remind us how minuscule we are in terms of being a 'being' and that, somehow, not only makes us happy in a strange sort of way but also creates a sense of passion and respect. The same goes with the stars and heavenly bodies or bodies of water in the nature. It's just that different people choose different paths; some choose the mountains, some choose the sky and some choose the sea. This long discussion is better left unfinished here and in conclusion, on a sort of irrelevant note, I wrap up by a quote by non-other than his holiness(?) The North Face which was reminded to us by Mr.P himself:

"Never stop exploring!"

Leaving Las Vegas

This film is more about loneliness than anything else. How human beings feel, behave and react when they are lonely, and how miserable they become in that state. It is very sad story of loneliness in the shadow of all that extravagant Vegas life; a grave and yet attractive contrast.

Why are we build that way? Why can't we just bear loneliness? Why does it drive us crazy? And above all, why are we all so god damn lonely at the end of the day?

Apathetic

Yes, that's how I feel about this year's World Series. Why? Because:

1. I don't like the Giants closer Brian Wilson, I think he looks ridiculous in that stupid beard. I don't care if SF has made it there for the first time in history. The hell with them...very nice park though!

2. Former owners of Liverpool which pulled the club down to unprecedented levels as well as Mr. W himself were former owners of Texas Rangers, so sorry cowboys, no love from this guy to you!

Problem located!

Q. Why I don't write as often as I want to?
A. Because I don't read my own blog as much as I read others' blogs.

While I have failed to keep up with resolution 8 on the frequency of blogging, this Q&A calls for yet 2 more resolutions:

Resolution 10: Older posts have to be reviewed at least once a week.
Resolution 11: Posts should not stay in draft status more than a month.

I have to do a massive follow up on the resolutions and do some shake-up since I am way behind...not good, not good at all...consistency is the key goddamit!

1300 Km for playing ball

It has been a while since I have been taunted by the question of why do I like baseball. I have been banging my head ever since trying to find a concrete answer with little success so far. I just know for sure that , at least for the time being, I enjoy very much doing it despite all the 'strange' sides of the game. Ideally, I would like to interview a bunch of people e.g. the guys at our team, and based on all the collected answers be able to answer this question.

This is not a direct answer to the question but it does shed some light into this: This Friday-Saturday, I traveled about 1300 kilometers just to play a double header which turned out to be 2 games of just 5 innings, leaving all my old and new attachments behind at home. I guess if I had traveled the same distance vertically I would have exited the atmosphere! We spent almost 16 hours in the car to play roughly 4-5 hours. If I step outside from myself and look at this, I can easily see that this does not fit with any logic whatsoever.

Yet, the question remains unanswered...

Stuck in the past

A series of incidents and my natural reactions to them have made me realize that I, as well as many others, are somehow stuck firmly in our past: a past which is not much far in time and was not so pleasing at times. Things that didn't have much value to me e.g. my childhood library, my stamp collection and white mulberries to say the least (all refer to previous posts) seem now so invaluable that I would give anything - not exactly anything but you get the point - to have some of those things back. A friend of mine has the same feeling towards the cartoons that we used to watch on TV, another with dubbed movies and those familiar voices, my brother has his own nostalgic obsessions and so on. I am fully aware of the fact that due to the nature of all human beings, we start to value or miss more the things upon losing them, that I can buy. But on the other hand, I think that our lives have become much better compared to past, I myself feel that I have got more freedom, independence, more economical ability and etc. We've got internet and computers everywhere and they facilitate our lives to massive scales compared to past, everyone's got cell phones and communication and accessibility is much easier. Yet the question is still hanging in there: Why "the grass was greener, the light was brighter, the taste was sweeter..."?

Black

Songwriters: Vedder and Gossard

Album: Ten

Released: August 27, 1991

Hey...oooh...

Sheets of empty canvas, untouched sheets of clay

Were laid spread out before me as her body once did

All five horizons revolved around her soul

As the earth to the sun

Now the air I tasted and breathed has taken a turn

Ooh, and all I taught her was everything

Ooh, I know she gave me all that she wore

And now my bitter hands chafe beneath the clouds

Of what was everything

Oh, the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed Everything...

I take a walk outside

I'm surrounded by some kids at play

I can feel their laughter, so why I do sear

Oh, and twisted thoughts that spin round my head

I'm spinning, oh, I'm spinning

How quick the sun can, drop away

And now my bitter hands cradle broken glass

Of what was everything

All the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed everything...

All the love gone bad turned my world to black

Tattooed all I see, all that I am, all I will be...yeah...

Uh huh...uh huh...ooh...

I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, I know you'll be star

In somebody else's sky, but why, why, why

Can't it be, can't it be mine

[We belong, we belong together, together...]

YNWA

"When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark
At the end of the storm
There's a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark

Walk on through the wind
Walk on through the rain
Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown
Walk on, walk on
With hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone
You'll never walk alone"

Our passion, our pride, our glory.

I remember a couple of years ago, I was working at a small private company and they had a courier who was basically running the errands of the executives of the small company. He mostly went to banks and cashed checks and etc. He was too old for that job. He claimed to be a football player in the past (and probably he was, maybe a B or C player) and knew many of the players and managers...the celebrities of those days! You could easily see that he suffered from severe chronic depression, for example, I remember the day that his first child was born, a huge day in every man's life, he was trying really hard to look happy but one could see that he was deeply depressed to the bone. When I started to work there, he was very distant and kept his business to himself, arguing with his bosses every now and then (who didn't treat him with courtesy at times and he was genuinely very proud so the frictions were inevitable) and didn't mind others, specially me. Little by little, he got closer to me to a point that I felt like I was his best and the only friend in the world. I, however, tried to maintain a constant distance at all times for my own sake. He was talking to me and only me during his breaks, bad mouthing his bosses, his former pals who have let him down many times, his life, his failures...everything. But he was a THE biggest LFC fan that I have ever seen. Back in those days that getting the results of European leagues was not as easy as it is today as there were no internet or anything, people were still relying on newspapers and TV for the latest news, he used to follow every single league game and discuss them afterward with me. Now, I was a red fan from before, but definitely not in his scale (hell no one could ever match his devotion). I remember that one sad Friday afternoon in the fall, my father took me to the oldest stadium in town to see the reds of the capital thrashing their opponent 3-0, that was the first time that I watched football in a stadium and I will never ever forget that day. I fell deeply in love with the game at the age of 7-8 and I became, and still am proudly, a die hard red fan ever since. Looking for role models in football when the domestic front was failing or felt too boring, all the red fans around were turning to Man U and I somehow for some unknown reason, never liked them despite this turn was very natural, so I fell for the next red thing and that was obviously LFC. During the years that I was physically and mentally away from football, I still kept this childhood love in the back of my heart and it did not surface for long until a miracle occurred in Istanbul in 2005 (what a unforgettable night!). Back to my buddy, I remember he was very much at odds with then manager Hollier (1998-2004) and didn't approve of his style. Those days were not exactly the best days of LFC neither, swinging from a mediocre to contender spot in the table. His disappointment and sadness, on top of his depression!, were immense when a loss came up. His passion and dedication to LFC, for a guy of his caliber who has never even been to LFC game or any where near it, always watching it from TV from thousands of miles away was a great inspiration for me to follow this passion more consistently. He possessed the kind of affection that fueled the likes of Bill Shankly and Paisley and etc. A true devotee to "The spirit of Shankly"* indeed he was. I don't know anything about his whereabouts now nor I remember his name correctly. I just hope that he doing fine or at least much better than those days wherever he is now...if he is still alive. It would have a great shame for our world without a great fan like him.

The sound of the Kop singing YNWA, even though that I have never been there but I would very much like to, always gives me goose bumps, makes me feel big, huge, indefinite...like the ocean, like the sky, like universe. An inexplicable feeling, which is very important because as it was said before, "It's more important to feel strong rather being strong!"

I'd like finish for the time being with a famous story from the great Shankly to pay homage to all the fellow follower of his great spirit. This is also known as the scarf incident: one of the most iconic images of all was caught on television, when a Liverpool scarf which had been thrown at Shankly during a lap of honor was flung to one side by a policeman, in April 1973, when he and the team were showing off the League Championship trophy to the Kop. Shankly pounced on the scarf and reprimanded the copper, uttering the immortal words "Don't do that. This might be someone's life."

Source: www.wikipedia.org

* Spirit of Shankly: Liverpool Suppoters' Union

Sex, Nose, Dirty, Joy, Women

This is something I read a while ago, can't remember where or when so my apologies to the author for not giving any reference but anyway, it's about a few curious questions (presumably between a father and son) about an important thing in human's life i.e. sex. I think it is worth reading as some of the analogies are interesting and funny but it doesn't necessarily reflect my personal opinions.

Q: What is sex?
A: Sex is fundamentally a dirty thing, it's like picking your nose. It should be done every now and then (very essential to do since if you don't do it, you go crazy) but you have to be discreet and not perform it in public [very preferable!]...and you shouldn't talk about it much with others [too preserved?] as it is kind of a private matter and you shouldn't definitely be obsessed with picking your nose as it is not healthy.

Q: Why women enjoy sex more than men?
A: Well, when you pick your nose, it's mostly your nose who enjoys it rather than your finger. The finger may enjoy it at times but not as much. It's the nose that gets more of the satisfaction.

Q: Why women can't have sex during their monthly periods?
A: You never pick your nose with your finger when your nose is bleeding, do you?

Q: Why women don't like to be raped?
A: How would you like it if you're walking in the street and some stranger comes forward, rips your clothes and picks your nose by force, ha?

It's a pity I don't remember all the questions.

1 month's posts in 1

1.

One month of silence caused by some "minor/major" incidents and above all, lack of inspiration. In other words, I basically let my brain to surf freely on the waves of sloth (oh I am so disgustingly poetic now!) and it felt...well...I don't know...not that bad! However, I have to admit that I have been dealing with a little bit of guilt, thinking I should be doing something (else?), be somewhere else but hey, I guess we all have that tickling, one way or another, throughout our trivial lives, right?

2.

I find myself again in a place that I was 4 years ago and I feel...simply apathetic! and don't ask me why cuz I simply don't know! Man...it sure was a b--ch getting here...almost 30 hours door-to-door, 2 hrs on the train, ca 15 hrs waiting at different airports, 10 hrs flight, ca 3 hrs bus ride...still quite short of my all time record of 52 hrs on the bus but almost equally exhausting.

3.

I have recently reached new horizons in the Cuban cigars...amazing stuff...thanks to "Che...The movie" which by the way is really great movie...thanks Steven Soderbergh! I have got to analyze that sometime, for the moment, I just enjoy watching it. I was smoking these stuff before but not to this latitude I guess. I have to come back to this more in the future.

4.

It takes more than one hell of determination for me to finish Marquez' classic "100 years of solitude"...I have started it but I am struggling with my laziness.

5.

"Hero no more!"

I have been banging my head really hard trying to understand why my former hero did that...that destructing rage...man he had failed before, just exactly when I needed him to be the strongest, the most discrete but he failed back then (under that pressure) and left me disappointed deeply. For about 2 weeks I was devastated and everything had shattered to small pieces but fortunately, things turned for the good much faster than what I expected and I was temporarily relieved. I guess despite that saying "Le temps détruit tout - Time destroys everything", the time did some good at the end of the day. Je ne sais pas...je ne sais plus...

6.

Montreal doesn't feel much like Canada, it's more of big french town other than Paris than a big city in Canada. The food has been great so far though...period.

Break it!

The main reason for my absence in my blog, well other that endemic laziness, is the internet filter policy that our company has been posing on us. So far, I have been trying to keep myself in that frame as much as I could. However, I have to admit that I have broken that every now and then ;) Since I am spending most of my useful and creative time at work trying to work and not write in my blog and etc., I ended up not writing here and falling behind the date...not that I didn't have anything to write about but just that I wanted to keep myself in that frame.

Today, I decided to end that nonsense and write whenever, wherever I feel like it...or not having much to do or simply wanting to have a break from this "three ring circus sideshow of freaks"!

So buckle up, it's showtime baby, here we goooooooooo!

Le retour

I will be heading back home in a matter of a few hours. The whole thing, exactly as I expected it, went so fast (as always!) and needless to say, it feels just like a short dream.

What surprises me the most is that 99% of the times and despite many new experiences in this trip, I felt like this was just part of my everyday and nothing particularly made me realize that I am on the travel and away from home (yeah right, like I have been living my whole life in Tampa and DC!) What I just said could mean that I have been at home in the past 2 weeks but I wasn't.

Home...what a strange word in MY vocabulary!

Where is my home...really?

The lost love

Where did that love go? That passion, that urge, that need that I could barely live without? I am talking about my love to the game of basketball...I fell in love with this game quite late, that is to say I started playing this game much later that other boys, at the age of 14 when I was in my first grade in high school...I remember that day so clearly...the day that I tried it and loved it so much...I remember every fine detail. During about 16 years of playing this game, I have had a lot of ups and downs in my game...many injuries and many glories...many memorable and unexplainable moments and of course many fights and many lows.

About 2 years ago, my chronic ankle injury got worse as I sprained my ankle several times in a row, mostly on stupid occasions and that caused me to stop playing for a while. There was also a really strange injury that happened to a close friend of mine which made me committed to not playing for a while. I thought if I just chill and rest it for a while it gets better. Well, it didn’t and I started with some regular rehab training every now and then which obviously didn’t help much neither. I went as far as doing an operation on my foot but I backed off (read chickened off!) in the last second. Now it has gone about 2.5 years and the thing that amazes me the most is that in this period, I have not been missing the game at all and the love is completely gone! I remember that in of my worst moments life, my only concern was will I be able to play this game again and now, I have gone cold turkey without even being bothered at all!

How?

I have been trying to figure out why and I think I’ve got some explanations at the moment; please feel free to let me know if YOU can be of any help in this matter:

1. I have replaced that with baseball (well not exactly...anyway), but you see, I am quite novice in this game and I can not perform as well as I want to so that doesn’t quench my thirst as much as I want it to. In other words it is not really a replacement plus the fact that unfortunately, I received an immense injury in baseball in my early days which had a destructive effect on me

2. My subconscious has accepted this damn injury and has accepted that I can not perform as well as before; therefore it doesn’t push much on my ego

3. Maybe I am somehow fed up with this and I feel that I have accomplished whatever there was to accomplish (yeah right!) and now it is just over...and I have an incurable injury as well

4. Environment: this is one the most probable reasons as I live in a neutral environment now when it comes to basketball. Back then, everyone and everything was into basketball or had something to do with it and we all enjoyed it to death. It is different now...very different

Having said all these, I still believe that these can not be true; I am always in a constant sense of denial because “Il n’existe jamais rien!” In addition to that, I strongly believe that a true love never dies...NEVER!

The search for an answer continues, I am going to give this lost love a try tonight and we’ll see how things go...

Why this name?

"Yeah then it comes to be that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel
Was just a freight train coming your way..."